FADE IN: Int. White House Press Room, Day
CJ walks in wearing a black strapless gown and heels. She's dressed to go to a ball, a vision of class...but it's 9 a.m. The rest of the PRESS CORPS stops writing and mumbling as CAROL helps her onto the platform at the front of the room.
CAROL hands her her portfolio and she opens it up.
CJ: Alright, let's get started. First off, I wanted to mention that President Cheeto has officially put Iran, as he puts it, on notice. It means that we...I think...notice them across the room.
Light laughter from the CORPS.
CJ: But seriously, Iran is in deep trouble with the President. When I asked Sean what the problem was he told me that they did some bad things at one point. That's literally the answer I got. So...there you have it. They'll be in the corner with a dunce cap on until further notice.
Light laughter again then an interruption.
KATIE: CJ, I have to ask. Why are you dressed up like the Prime Minister of Malaysia is in town? Did we miss something on the schedule.
CJ: No, President Gropey has asked that all females in his staff dress like women. I couldn't find my purse and my vacuum is too heavy to haul in here without Secret Service help and that just seemed like a waste of resources. So, I had this back from the dry cleaner and Bob's your uncle. More hand raising. Bruce!
BRUCE: What did the President mean by "dress like a woman?"
CJ: Well you would have to ask him or one of his trained monkeys, but my guess was that I was looking pretty lesbian-y before in my pants and suits and professional work wear from the 2000s forward. Like I said, the Donna Reed look might have to wait for next week. Danny! Pause. On second thought, anyone but Danny.
Danny looks faux offended as he writes some things down.
REPORTER: Did the President say...wait...why the hell are we here?
CJ: I was wondering how long it would take you. Since we are the fake senior staff and the real senior staff are either relatives of Trump or actual real lizard people, you've been classified as fake news sources. You've been called, and I quote, (she looks at notes and smiles) "faker than fake. Worse than Arnold's ratings." So, please be proud. You'll be in this press room until, as Sean says, you can learn to behave yourselves. That's all for now.
CJ leaves with Carol's help and exits the room to
INT Communications Bullpen
DANNY miraculously shows up.
DANNY: Saw you evading my questions back there.
CJ: You didn't have a question.
DANNY: You don't know. It could have been a great question. It could have been on topic and germane and witty, probing and thoughtful.
CJ turns heel on him and stands in the middle of the hallway, the entrance to her office in obscured view.
CJ: Okay, Murrow. You have ten seconds to dazzle me with this question.
DANNY pauses and smiles. There's a few seconds in silence before...
DANNY: See you at home?
CJ: Bet your sweet bippy.
DANNY: You don't even know what a bippy is.
CJ: NEITHER DO YOU!
END SCENE
Monday, February 6, 2017
Episode 3: The Ban
FADE IN: Josh's Office, early morning or late at night.
We see the empty bullpen of administrative desks with lights randomly and accidentally left on. JOSH sits at his desk, staring blankly at a binder as the glow from a TV provides the only light save for his desk lamp at his computer. He looks at the binder as if it holds a great secret.
DONNA, off screen: Did you go home?
JOSH: No. I...(he's flustered, woken from a trance)...I was trying to figure out something.
DONNA: Josh, you need sleep. The courts blocked it, they'll fight it out in court.
JOSH: And we should help them.
DONNA: Okay, explain this, then. Ed and Larry are legislative aides. They've been holed up in a bunker since Inauguration Day just to avoid having to come to the thought that no legislation is actually getting written. The last time I checked, there aren't Executive Order aides so-
JOSH: Donna-
DONNA: My point? He's hanging himself here. Sean in the press room calling it a ban and then saying he never did. Giuliani is going on CNN and saying that Trump called him in December with the idea and the strategy of how to do it legally. Lawsuits from all over the world. It can't pass.
JOSH: Donna, we live in a world where the lot of us has been hired to be a facade for a bunch of parochial school dropouts who take "truthiness" to a whole new level. Anything is possible!
DONNA: Exactly. At some point I have to take my faith and put it in-
JOSH: The value of cheese.
DONNA: The system as it was founded. It's taken a couple of weeks, but maybe the checks and the balances will work.
JOSH looks at her and back down at his binder.
JOSH: Yeah...maybe.
FADE OUT
We see the empty bullpen of administrative desks with lights randomly and accidentally left on. JOSH sits at his desk, staring blankly at a binder as the glow from a TV provides the only light save for his desk lamp at his computer. He looks at the binder as if it holds a great secret.
DONNA, off screen: Did you go home?
JOSH: No. I...(he's flustered, woken from a trance)...I was trying to figure out something.
DONNA: Josh, you need sleep. The courts blocked it, they'll fight it out in court.
JOSH: And we should help them.
DONNA: Okay, explain this, then. Ed and Larry are legislative aides. They've been holed up in a bunker since Inauguration Day just to avoid having to come to the thought that no legislation is actually getting written. The last time I checked, there aren't Executive Order aides so-
JOSH: Donna-
DONNA: My point? He's hanging himself here. Sean in the press room calling it a ban and then saying he never did. Giuliani is going on CNN and saying that Trump called him in December with the idea and the strategy of how to do it legally. Lawsuits from all over the world. It can't pass.
JOSH: Donna, we live in a world where the lot of us has been hired to be a facade for a bunch of parochial school dropouts who take "truthiness" to a whole new level. Anything is possible!
DONNA: Exactly. At some point I have to take my faith and put it in-
JOSH: The value of cheese.
DONNA: The system as it was founded. It's taken a couple of weeks, but maybe the checks and the balances will work.
JOSH looks at her and back down at his binder.
JOSH: Yeah...maybe.
FADE OUT
Friday, February 3, 2017
PSA
Hey. I'm Phil. On behalf of the entire crew and cast of Trump's West Wing, I want to say that we don't consider the Bowling Green Massacre a joke. It was a terrible incident that cost quite a toll on many people and their freedoms.
If you would like to support the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre, click here. Thanks and have a fantastic weekend. We'll see you next episode.
If you would like to support the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre, click here. Thanks and have a fantastic weekend. We'll see you next episode.
Episode 2: The Press Release
FADE IN: Sam's Office- Evening
SAM SEABORN, Phantom Deputy Communications Director, is staring at a sheet of paper on his desk with concern and fear; it seems to be made of something impossible to fathom. He's deep in thought when JOSH LYMAN appears in his door frame.
JOSH: You seem...concerned?
SAM: He didn't use it.
JOSH: He didn't use what?
SAM: The press release I wrote.
JOSH smirks and sits.
JOSH: Does that surprise you? I would have been surprised if he could read all of the words in the press release you wrote. Was it written in crayon?
SAM isn't impressed and we cut back to JOSH to see the self-satisfied smile fade from his face and be replaced with realization.
JOSH: Wait...what release are we talking about?
SAM: The one I made for Holocaust Remembrance Day. He initially asked the State Department to do it but they were too busy looking in the basement for the document telling them what the State Department actually does. I told them to look in the boxes in the basement and all would be revealed. They could have sworn their official task was just picking fights with Arnold Schwarzenegger on Twitter.
JOSH laughs now, but it's diminished.
JOSH: What did they use instead?
SAM: Well, mine had the normal stuff.
SAM gets up and walks around, the once napalm paper now angrily gripped in his hand. He's now quoting, or at least paraphrasing
SAM: We take this day to remember and keep the memory alive like Elie Weisel wanted us to. We mourn for each of the millions of Jews persecuted on behalf of hate and fear. I had the word xenophobia in there but changed it for "being scared of other people" because I was afraid President Gropey would pronounce the "X".
JOSH give fake anger.
JOSH: Hey, that President Gropey signs your checks. That's Massa President Gropey to you.
SAM: I should be at Gage Whitney.
JOSH: And miss the show?
SAM: Anyway, there's one key difference between the releases. I was impressed that Reince got his head out Donald J.'s ass to formulate what, in most simulations, could be found as empathy. One problem.
JOSH: It was written in crayon. Please tell me they used Crayloa. That RoseArt garbage is for schools in Missouri who have textbooks from before-
SAM: He didn't mention the Jews, Josh.
Pause. Silence. Weight.
JOSH: So, wait...it's offering sympathy to...all sides?
SAM nods silently.
JOSH: Even the-
SAM: Even them, yes. Sean got on the mic and said that it was because other people died too. CJ about had an aneurism at that moment. I can't help but wonder if we just instituted a new holiday.
JOSH: Nazi Remembrance Day. Give a big Heil Hitler to that one, sailor.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
SAM SEABORN, Phantom Deputy Communications Director, is staring at a sheet of paper on his desk with concern and fear; it seems to be made of something impossible to fathom. He's deep in thought when JOSH LYMAN appears in his door frame.
JOSH: You seem...concerned?
SAM: He didn't use it.
JOSH: He didn't use what?
SAM: The press release I wrote.
JOSH smirks and sits.
JOSH: Does that surprise you? I would have been surprised if he could read all of the words in the press release you wrote. Was it written in crayon?
SAM isn't impressed and we cut back to JOSH to see the self-satisfied smile fade from his face and be replaced with realization.
JOSH: Wait...what release are we talking about?
SAM: The one I made for Holocaust Remembrance Day. He initially asked the State Department to do it but they were too busy looking in the basement for the document telling them what the State Department actually does. I told them to look in the boxes in the basement and all would be revealed. They could have sworn their official task was just picking fights with Arnold Schwarzenegger on Twitter.
JOSH laughs now, but it's diminished.
JOSH: What did they use instead?
SAM: Well, mine had the normal stuff.
SAM gets up and walks around, the once napalm paper now angrily gripped in his hand. He's now quoting, or at least paraphrasing
SAM: We take this day to remember and keep the memory alive like Elie Weisel wanted us to. We mourn for each of the millions of Jews persecuted on behalf of hate and fear. I had the word xenophobia in there but changed it for "being scared of other people" because I was afraid President Gropey would pronounce the "X".
JOSH give fake anger.
JOSH: Hey, that President Gropey signs your checks. That's Massa President Gropey to you.
SAM: I should be at Gage Whitney.
JOSH: And miss the show?
SAM: Anyway, there's one key difference between the releases. I was impressed that Reince got his head out Donald J.'s ass to formulate what, in most simulations, could be found as empathy. One problem.
JOSH: It was written in crayon. Please tell me they used Crayloa. That RoseArt garbage is for schools in Missouri who have textbooks from before-
SAM: He didn't mention the Jews, Josh.
Pause. Silence. Weight.
JOSH: So, wait...it's offering sympathy to...all sides?
SAM nods silently.
JOSH: Even the-
SAM: Even them, yes. Sean got on the mic and said that it was because other people died too. CJ about had an aneurism at that moment. I can't help but wonder if we just instituted a new holiday.
JOSH: Nazi Remembrance Day. Give a big Heil Hitler to that one, sailor.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
Episode 1: The Bowling Green Massacre
FADE IN CJ’s Office, Morning.
CJ enters, sets her keys down on the desk and feeds Gail. She takes off her coat and tosses it nonchalantly onto the couch. She looks out into the hallway to see if anyone else has arrived. She appears alone.
Wary of the world, it seems, she goes to her desk and sits. She’s enjoying the quiet but knows it won’t last forever. This thought is confirmed as a ball smacks against her glass window.
TOBY: Bowling Green? She thinks there was a massacre in Bowling Green?
CJ: I know.
TOBY: Which Bowling Green? There are several. Was this a coordinated attack in all of the Bowling Greens around our fine country of ours?
CJ: Toby-
TOBY: And who started it? Muslims? Russians? The Old Dominion Lacrosse Team?
CJ: TOBY! I know! She’s a child the President hired because she was the one who didn’t bolt from him on the campaign. He thinks she's some sort of good luck charm. Or he likes her legs. Lord knows he likes mine.
Now she’s making up international incidents. I get it but why are you pissed at me?
TOBY pauses. He picks up his ball, that has rolled into Carol’s cubicle, and sits down. He’s been up for a bit, probably since the overnight news broke. He sets his binder and disorganized stack of papers down on his lap.
TOBY: Why am I pissed at you? That’s a wonderful question. I want to be pissed at you, Claudia Jean. I really do. But…
He trails off.
CJ: I have no control over this administration. You get that. Logic and facts have no control over this administration. This isn't Bartlet! Do you think he knows how to play chess? Or even freaking checkers?
All we are here to do is get paid and act like we have some sort of efficacy over the new national nightmare Gidget and the Cheeto Go to Washington. So, why don’t you high tail it out of here, come back in, and help me figure out how to spin this.
TOBY smiles. Gets up promptly. Leaves.
Pause
The ball sails into CJ’s office and sends a stack of papers flying around the room.
CJ: TOBY!
Smash Cut. Opening credits.
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